Mrs. Grumpus, a retired succubus queen, witch, soothsayer and stand-up comic has this to say about whether Jesus was a vampire or a witch. She was brought out of retirement after 10,000+ years of inactive service and recruited at a rate we could afford. Her comments to this question follow. Note: The comments of Mrs. Grumpus are not necessarily those of Vampire Ashram. She is known to be a heavy drinker and this should be taken into consideration.
Our readers posted this question to Mrs. Grumpus who looked deeply into the glass scrying crystal which in her case is a bottle of Jim Bean when empty and replied as follows to a set of thorny theological questions: “Was Jesus a witch or a vampire?”
Mrs. Grumpus: Well, that’s hard to say because he did a lot of both. There’s the herbal lore related to Hecate, my sometime drinking partner. As a babe he was visited by three guys from a New Age pagan temple in Persia with an herbal sampler meant to be divinatory in nature. So check herbal divinatory witchcraft. And there’s that hinky star hovering which sounds more like a UFO than natural star-like behavior. Now to the rest…
Alchemy: He admits to practicing alchemy by changing water into wine and not for any religious purpose. So check Alchemy, ditto multiplying loaves of bread and fish to feed thousands. More about fish and fishermen to follow…
Astral Travel: He fasted for forty days and nights that allowed him to astral travel with Satan as his co-pilot. So yes, Christians can astral travel if they desire, but frisk Satan at the airport before boarding. He is on the Astral Terrorist list. That said, remember, you must walk in the footsteps of the master. If Jesus did it and you have his blood covering then nothing can harm you and you’re approved for lift off. Jesus approves of astral travel (without Satan of course). If he did it, so can you. Or even greater things, according to him.
Astrology: Jesus was a firm believer in astrology and even made predictions based upon it. Everyone assumes the cute fishy logo means you’re supposed to scare the bejesus out of people and convert them and do some fly-fishing for their souls. But no, that’s what he did, but he lived in the Age of Pisces. That is what the fish symbolizes. Then Jesus advises his disciples to enter into the Age of Aquarius at the last supper as follows: Luke 22:10 King James Version (KJV)And he said unto them, “Behold, when ye are entered into the city, there shall a man meet you, bearing a pitcher of water; follow him into the house where he entereth in.” Okay, so how do we know he’s talking about the Age of Aquarius (which we entered into)? A man bearing a pitcher of water, to be followed into the house (of the Zodiac) where he enters in, which would be The Water Bearer, symbolic of the House of Aquarius. Pastors can flap their gums all they want, this is an unambiguous reference to moving from the Age of Pisces into the Age of Aquarius. So, check Astrology. Jesus gives it two thumbs up, so who are you going to listen to: Jesus or some crackpot pastor? Just check his birth sign and you’ll see…he’s probably a Pisces.
Hands on Healing: Jesus did a lot of this and had a great batting score but because a lot of people didn’t believe, he couldn’t always work his ‘miracles’ at his own will. In other words, he failed on occassions to manifest a healing miracle. So what the bible is saying is “If people don’t believe, they are more powerful than the will of God to help them and can make a nanny goat out of his “signs and wonders”, because disbelief can rid you of God’s favor when he comes knocking.” No, that sounds logical but harsh. Let’s just say he had his good and bad healing days and blame the people and absolve God of any wrongdoing, like the bible seems to suggest. They’re all evil anyway, right? Right. So people are evil and they can defeat the will of God as represented by his only Son, meaning God’s will wasn’t always working up to par. Better still, let’s just say “God helps those who help themselves.” Better bandaid, even if it is homespun nonsense designed to give God a way out when things don’t go our way. Said truthfully, “God heals those who heal themselves.” If that doesn’t work, see “predestination,” another excuse for miracle mishaps. God is perfect, Jesus is imperfect in his healing scores, i.e. Jesus is not equal to God no matter how you slice or crucify it. He obviously didn’t know beforehand whether they would believe or not, so subtract points for divine foresight. The good news: Jesus gives two thumbs up for all self-help titles on prosperity and happiness and healing (but always check with the Doctor Playing God in your local neighborhood with the white coat and Rx scripts). Ignore the overturning of the money-changers in the temple, he was still living in the Age of Pisces and they were doing a lot of fishy things. Jesus wants you to get rich quick by opening a church and selling fire insurance. But here’s a bothersome question: If his healing miracles sometimes failed, salvation with it’s endless ability to sin, rape, steal, murder, cheat and lie; just rinse in blood and repeat becomes well….iffy. An imperfect savior cannot offer anything like a perfect salvation. That brings us to…
Beads & Mantras: Jesus, according to his Prime Whatshisface Pope in the Vatican, approves of rosary magic and mantras. The Pope loves his Gurus and Lamas and rosary beads and Mother of God. But how did Mary become the mother of God? If God himself impregnated her as the Mother of God, that would be…immaculate incest, yuk! Jesus didn’t think she was, and said so when she came to recommend a rubber room to her wayward son at one point in the bible story in his famous “Who is my mother?” address. He then put her up for adoption (he gave away the Mother of God, can you believe it?) to the disciple John while undergoing crucifixion. So is she a Godmother of John’s upon the giveaway? At best, it seems she is an ex-Mother of God when she was given away like a piece of cattle. You can see how thorny all of this Mother of God crap can get. And why call some offbeat oh-so-know-it-all in Latin conjunctions but who cannot understand the plain dictates of Jesus when he declared, “Call no man your father, but your Father in Heaven?” Okay, this verges of blasphemy, so let’s move on with the fact that mantra beads, yoga style and Queen of the Goddesses is Mary the Mother of God whom Jesus left in his living will to John. Or not. But thumbs up for Catholics, all others pray over the matter (via rosary beads or not). He did say that meaningless words repeated without faith will fail. So check the service warranty on all beads and rosaries. Always!
Witches Curses: Jesus pronounced eight woes (7 in Matthew, 1 more in Luke) which, being totally honest are not suggestions or criticisms, they are woeful curses from the mouth of Jesus upon ALL religious hypocrisy and he gets major goosebump scores on this one. I love this part of the bible. Everyone has their favorites, this is mine. I even embroidered it on my pillow, that’s how cool it is. And guess what? You don’t even have to believe in God to love it. You can love it even if you’re an atheist, that’s why the Eight Curses are IMHO the cream of the theological crop. Curses. Woes. No Salvation, go from pulpit to da Pit in eight easy curses. This is the Jesus I love. Curse the hypocritical fuckers, one and all and for all time. God hates them, so yeah, curse them. It’s the safest witchcraft you can do: you have God on your side and prosperity preachers, child molesters, hypocrites and all types of human scum on the other. And it’s free. You don’t need to donate a dime, just curse the fucking hypocritical sons-of-bitches for their adultery, get rich and happy and successful and screw your neighbor gospel. Pick the one you know is a hypocrite (promise, they’re easy to spot as the majority are included here) and skip the prayers, just dig in a throw a curse at the hypocrites in the name of Jesus. What the hell could be easier? People always ask about curses and how to do them. Jesus already did it, so he gives thumbs up to casting curses on hypocritical preachers, donation poachers, liars, cheats, adulterous leeches, rapists and murderers. Curse them to hell and watch their salvation go right down the flaming drain. And here is where the greatest whitewashing takes place online. Google woe and Jesus and here’s what you’ll get: A “woe” is an exclamation of grief or distress. Total BS. Jesus wasn’t grieving or distressed, he was angry. Put it in context and it is a curse. Using the old saw of using the bible to explain the bible, here’s what it says elsewhere:Isaiah 3:10-12 King James Version (KJV) “Say ye to the righteous, that it shall be well with him: for they shall eat the fruit of their doings. Woe unto the wicked! it shall be ill with him: for the reward of his hands shall be given him.” Does that sound like a curse? If it sounds like a curse, it’s meant to “be ill” with him, then boys and girls, we’re looking at a born again curse! Pull out your rosary beads and do 108 curse laps on the holier-than-thou hypocrites. Use the name of Jesus. If it doesn’t work you can blame him, just like everyone blames God when La La Land real estate goes bust.
Blood & Guts Vampirism: We all know the three things to never debate in hypocritical religious circles: Blood drinking, cannibalism, and the Book of Revelation because it’s a bad ending in which the “elect” are deceived into microchip inplants and the whole planet is soaking in blood and all things bad are going to happen. Very bad for donations. So keep it out of the sermons. Now, the bible is explicit in God’s anger at blood drinking, and moreoever, he’s even angrier than the SPCA on the issue of sacrificing animals to appease him. So, if God hates animal slaughter in his name, why in the Hell would he then do an about face and escalate the sacrifical offering to that of a human or hybrid being (son of God, son of man) which Jesus claims to be? This is what all pagan religions did and what psychotic Satanists claim to do, so in essence Christianity is admittedly copying human sacrifice as a way to appease a God. It makes God guilty of filicide, of willfully murdering his own son. Add this to the incest claimed and the Mother of God theory, and you have good reason to resist any such religion (unless you’re an incestual son killer).
Most pastors have no idea what filicide is, so it’ll sound theologically profound on your part, so feather in your cap. This is also why Jesus pronounced the woes upon the scribes and Pharisees, doctors of religious law and priests of dainty inventions to put God on the rack theologically. Why did God bring the Flood? Because the Nephillim hybrid vampires and offspring of fallen angels turned into blood drinking cannibals and corrupted his entire scheme for Earth. Now you’re supposed to believe after murdering his own son, you get to cannibalize him and drink his blood as a sweet and savory offering. The worst part is that it makes a hypocrite out of God, so that the curses of Jesus now apply to him! Tasty perhaps if you are a vampire, blasphemous if you are seeking the light. The two are entirely and completely and unequivically diametrically opposed to one another. God isn’t schizophrenic, the bible is. And that fault is manmade, it was not God’s intention but mans intervention via Satan. If he couldn’t be God, he’d nominate Jesus for the post as an insult to the Father so mankind would think it’ll get something for nothing: a salvation of unlimited sin, religious and racial bigotry, depravity, hatred, misogyny, homophobia and immorality, all to be washed away in the blood of filicide. Satan hates the other sons of God, original ones, and this is his payback. If something sounds too good to be true, it generally is. This is also why Satanists and Christians are often interchangable, switching from one to the other. They’re opposite sides of the same coin but they both believe they’re on their way to becoming living gods. Here’s the rub: every living god can be destroyed back into nothingness if God desires. Immortality is conditional, not inalienable.
Necromancy: Now we come to raising the dead which raises yet another thorny point: to wit, the dead are without belief because their facilities are well…brain and heart and otherwise dead. If they cannot believe or have faith in being raised back up, and are ready to move on, how come the miracle power of necromancy works with the dead but not with the living in the many instances faith or belief barred the way and led to miracle-mishap? I honestly don’t have an answer nor does your theological armchair Christian. The dead also rose according to the bible when Jesus died on Galgary, the place of the skull, which opened a necromantic portal in which the dead walked from their graves and went on a shopping spree or whatever. The angels of the portal are darkest and have necromantic powers that they’ll use come Apocalypse Time to effectuate the eight curses pronounced by Jesus against hypocrisy and godlessness. These reptilian demons, like the serpent demon Nagas released on the menu complaining Jews wandering in a maze to the promised land about the unkosher bread from heaven, they are all reptilian demons working for the Father. Like He said, “I created the good and the evil”. And now you know why..
Wait, you mean that God the Father made the Jews worship a brazen serpent and sent serpents out as servants of the Nagini Goddess (Nagas are male serpent demons, naginis are female serpent demons. They are ruled by nine empires. The females are twice as powerful as the males)? Reptilians? The bane of the Earth, the same shapeshifting reptillians who run the deep state and all that jazz? Yes and no. Reptilians yes, but they are at war with one another. Oh, I know, humans can go to war with one another but Reptillians have to be evil and at the same time more morally upright, is that it? You’re hypocrites, you hate your own kind because they have a different color skin, or do whatever you don’t, and they’re going to hell anyway, so why not? And you have the nerve to condemn God’s reptilian demon servants who love him and bow before him? They were here long before humans, have trillions in various realms and galaxies, so maybe God knew better to keep the human race where they can safely kill one another rather than spread the plague into the galaxies or go on some hairbrained crusade to the stars which would die the same death as all the satellites that are being shot down from those who hate humans. Reptilians may hate and kill one another but friend and reptilian foe alike agree that humans are hypocritical and hateful spiritual infants.
Jesus the Vampire: We all know that an empty grave of a person legally and technically and categorically dead is either the victim of graverobbers (this has been proposed by some) or you have yourselves a revenant vampire, which according to the bible, Jesus was. Moreover, he disallowed those who saw him to touch his body because occultly speaking there are three black chakras never mentioned in Kundalini Yoga that are activated upon death, and thus it takes three days and nights to complete their transitional reintegration into the next life or not. These are occult chakras that can only be opened and activated by a necromancer who knows the rites, none of which are found in grimoires or books. His had obviously been activated and yet he was there in the flesh as a revenant. Oh, I know, when Jesus does it, its a resurrection. When a pagan does it or anyone else, it’s an evil revenant out to drink blood illegailly. (*Legal blood drinking and vampirism has to be ordained with holy water and hoo-ha to purify an obviously evil act according to God unless you’re darkmade to begin with.) Jesus endorses vampires and even wishes it upon his followers when the dead shall rise. So thumbs up big time for necromancy and becoming a revenant (unless you aren’t a church-going, bible thumping believer in any of this).
Jesus the Shapeshifter: Several of his discples after his death and reanimation met a stranger they didn’t recognized on their way. They asked him to dine with them at a McDonald’s, or whatever chain was operating at the time. He accepted, then gave a blessing, chatted, then disappeared abruptly, as he had done once before when the Pharisees were about to stone him, turning invisible, also an attribute of awakening the three black or inverted chakras prior to death. Ah, but note the shapeshifting he did. They didn’t recognize him because he had shapeshifted, that’s the blunt point. Then he appeared out of thin air when his disciples were bemoaning his death. He even suggested one of them insert his finger into his wounds. Doubting Thomas. This brings up a very thorny question: was it really Jesus or not? There is no way to prove that the apparition in either case was in fact Jesus or another shapeshifter. Let’s assume it’s genuine; it still admits to the possibility of shapeshifting as in vampirism and Satanism since he can also shift into an angel of light likeness. The Satan described in the bible and the one Satanists worship is a very young adolescent, not some humongous hunk with unlimited power. He’s an errant brat scared shitless of Lilith for one, and hates his followers perhaps more than he hates his own brothers. He’s murdered his own sons by the score in his jealousy to keep the throne of Hell from anyone usurping him. Ah, now there’s the rub: Satan kills his own sons as a sacrifice to himself as a living god of hell. So who is imitating whom in the son killing drama? One clue: it ain’t God.
I’ve spoken directly to Satan and as always, remain unimpressed. He’s a loudmoth braggart and I disagree with Jesus’ descripton of him as a lion seeking whomever he can. He’s a petty tyrant with huge anger issues and nothing more. He invokes the Father as giving him permission to destroy all the souls of his followers who think they’ll prosper. Instead, they’re shredded to infernal pieces in a fire that burns through fire. It’s a mystical penalty that can be imposed upon Christian, non-Christian, Satanists, atheists, traitors to Lucifera (mother of the former Lucifer) and the damned. Evil beings bow to God the Father and work for him or they suffer, just as Christian humans are supposed to do. The police aren’t evil for shooting a murderer about to kill someone. A crooked cop is evil by comparison although they both supposedly work for the same cause. The Naga serpents who sent out serpents to kill the complaining Jews en route to the promised land do not have a shred of light in their nature. And yet, guess what? Unlike Jesus, any jew who looked to the brazen serpent was healed of snakebite, meaning the Nagas have a better healing miracle percentage than Jesus. And they’re demonic reptilians through and through, yet God the Father rewarded them for the slaughter, doing what they were meant to do and healing those meant to be healed by obeying the dictates of Moses in looking upon the serpent. He made the Jews bow to the brazen serpent, the Nagini Goddess, a reptilian goddess. It’s in the bible, go and have a look. If you’d read the damned thing instead of letting a pastor parse it to death and back for the sake of more donations, you’ll find glimpses of truth: that God is a zillion times different than the bible makes him out to be. He is perfect and alone in his perfection, worthy of being worshipped, loved, and above all else, respected for being our Creator.
Rob God of his perfection by believing it is shared by any savior figure, and you insult his very nature. He is not a son killer who is used as a totem to protect people from their addiction to hatred and evil when they were not created as vampires or Nagas or darksided beings. But an evil wind this way is coming. And who has not met a violent hard-hearted evil-minded Christian who hates the very creation of God himself and converts people into atheists at a rate of ten to one over the salvation to sin unboundedly? It’s simple when you believe only those who believe in Jesus will get to heaven. Viola! you’re above the divine law and above those who are morally superior to yourself. I know Jesus supposedly said those words in his “I am the way, the truth and the life. Nobody comes to the Father except through me.” But I don’t believe he said it because it makes no sense. If he did he’s a liar selling something he cannot deliver and more akin with the dark nature of Satan. God is above all perfect in his just application of law and grace. He is the giver of upteen second chances. Jesus, in the bible, only gives you one. This life, then judgement. BS. You’re being judged day by day, sand by sand as it ticks down the hourglass, supposed savior or not. Every being is being judged all the time. With every heartbeat, every tick of the eternal clock until the final one when God decides to lower the hammer.
The Bottom Line: Everything Jesus did would get him burned alive by the Inquisition and he’d be labelled a Satanic vampire if he arrived on the scene today, history deleted. Well, if you cannot delete history, distort it, twist God into a yoga pretzel of your theological choosing. The Puritans were among the wisest theologians and rightly saw that you cannot have salvation and freewill. They’re totally fucking 100% incompatible. They knew this and they were the cream of the theolgoical nitpickers. So they invented a worse solution: predestination. Freewill is a fact, which means salvation is a fantasy. You reap what you sow boys and girls. And God isn’t going to be exorcised by his own son covered in blood so He can’t see all the sins you committed in his name no less. Defatcto, fire insurance policy hereby cancelled. (*Listen closely, you’ll hear Satan clapping over the fall. And drumroll for the endtimes, the Kali Yuga is upon us all.)
