When Can We Expect A “Hang Mike Pence” Bible?
Finally, a Bible you can break your oath upon and feel as proud of as Lucifer. Even Stormy Daniels, that paragon of blessed pornographic sin, is said to have purchased several copies herself. While we cannot confirm reports that the imitation leather covers are asbestos reinforced to prevent spontaneous combustion, or whether that was a specially blessed edition meant exclusively for Trump, remains mere speculation. However, since it has all the official freedom loving democratic documents Trump intends to defile and the US Constitution he intends to destroy, perhaps this is your last chance to obtain a copy of these soon to be obsolete documents. And note the new motto of Trump he made while hawking the copyright free “easy to read” King James Version of 1611: Make American Pray Again! Oh, that’s right, Trump and his Neo-Nazi inspired Christian Nationalists fully intend to MAKE America Pray Again and there will be no option but to adopt the Fuhrer’s own National Prayer, endorsed no doubt by Mafiosa Dons like Donald everywhere.
One anonymous respondent wrote to me with a peek at what she thinks the Christian Nationalist prayer will be, along with speculation that a revised version after the next election of Trump’s first Bible Masterpiece will be The Hang Mike Pence bible in honor of Jesus Christ who no doubt would have relished watching as Pence, the great anglo fundamentalist evangelical Christian and former Vice-President, danced a jig with bulging eyes at the end of a rope, lynched by his fellow comrades in flaming crucifixes, evangelical Christians themselves. Hang thy Neighbor, and if he’s a Christian, hang ’em even higher. It’s what Jesus would do! And if he doesn’t like it, we might decide to hang that communistic bread-for-the hungry crowds militant peacenik miracle worker next! Hell, he’s not even Republican! He’s probably an immigrant as well….
Suggested Christian Nationalist Prayer for the Hang Mike Pence Bible:
Our Father who art in Maro-A-Lago, Trademarked Be Thy Name.
Thy MAGA Kingdom Come, Thy Darkest Satanic Will be Done, On Earth as it is in Hell,
And give all the billionaires their daily tax breaks while forgiving all their lawsuits and debts,
As we also have avoided paying our taxes by our attorneys; And lead us not into political or religious freedom,
But deliver us from every form of democracy!
For yours is the Kingdom of Corruption for ever and always, Hail Trump!
What the New King Trump Bible Can Do for You
Okay, so let’s be honest: linguistic experts who have digested the almost daily speeches, incoherent rants and random tweats of Trump all agree that his reading and speaking abilitiy is stunted at the sixth-grade level, meaning that perhaps the King James Version of the Bible, widely regarded as requiring a twelfth grade reading comprehension level, is well beyond Trump and his meager linguistic skills. Add to that the fact that most pastors cannot read the King James Version, unless they’re cherry-picking the easy go lucky parts best designed to shake the donation box. He’s as redundant as a con man and as hateful as Nero on his fourth espresso, both features Jesus would appreciate if he too could only fathom the fiery depths of the great Nimrod and God of America: Donald J. Trump. One hopes that Trump will have the next Hang Mike Pence Bible dumbed down a bit, just as the prosperity and positive thinking pastors have done to fleece their sheep. And what right does King James have to it? Fuck him, he’s dead and Trump is now the undisputed True King of Sinful Offenses and Lies Everlasting. Like King Daniel and Bathsheba, Trump saw Stormy Daniels gyrating her oil-slicked body and decided he must have her at any cost, even at the risk of losing his election to Hillary Clinton. Now that would be the unforgiveable sin spoken of in the Bible. Women are unfit to lead. Name me just one of Jesus’ apostles who was a female? See! The bible endorses a national abortion ban because women are totally, and I mean totally incapable of making simple decisions about their own health. And democratic women are the worst! Like Trump boasted of “locking Hillary up,” in the 2016 election, this time around its “lock up every woman’s womb” for 2024, and then let’s enslave female rape victims forevermore! Amen to that brothers!
And then there’s the prophetic works of Saint Hitler who wrote Mein Kampf, or My Struggle. One can see daily how Trump is struggling to remain free on bond with a mighty effort of legal loopholes and attorney bills that reach higher than the Tower of Babel (Trump’s Tower in NYC was larger, note for the record). Now Trump, like Jesus and Hitler before him, is being persecuted by that devious mastermind whose every move is steeped in diabolical intrigue, Evil Joe Biden. Hell, even the name Joe Biden may indicate he’s related to Bin Laden. Say it over and over like the Big Lie of the stolen election: Bin Laden, Joe Biden. Bin Laden, Joe Biden. Yep, he has to be at least a second cousin twice removed on his mother’s side, because women don’t deserve rights anyway and are basically evil as Eve who divorced Adam and stuck him with alimony payments, knowing there was no possibility of her finding another husband anytime soon. Hell, Biden’s even lowering drug costs for the elderly, knowing full well that death by pharmacuetical prescription drugs is the third leading cause of death in America, far surpassing what any decent self-respecting Mexican drug cartel could do.
So, if you hate women, except for their sexy birth making parts of course, as much as Jesus and Trump, clearly you’ll confess the need to MAKE AMERICANS PAY…ER, PRAY AGAIN. So make America pay again by voting for Trump so he can “STEAL EVEN MORE IN 2024”
Important Warranty Notes on the King Trump Bible
While the warranty doesn’t mention Acts of God destroying the King Trump Bible, we strongly advise that the King Trump bible not be handled during thunderstorms. It should be kept at least 100 ft from the fireplace and kitchen stove, since we cannot guarantee spontaneous combusion. Women should also not be allowed to read the King Trump Bible due to their inferior reading abilities and understandings of the sacred male only text. Democrats are limited to a purchase of no more than 1,000 copies per customer, along with a 200% surcharge tax added as a legal persecution tax of King Trump.
